MARRIAGE IN NEPAL
Marriage and wedding customs in Nepal vary a lot according to religion, ethnic group, caste and region but as a rule marriages are arranged by parents. in addition, child marriages have traditionally been common, with couple often being paired up soon afer they come of age. It is estimated that 80 percent of all marriages in South Asia are arranged by the bride and groom's parents.
Age at first marriage: 22.1 for men and 17.9 for women (compared to 33.4 for men and 31.2 for women in Finland and 23.8 for men and 16 for women on Bangladesh) [Source: Wikipedia and Wikipedia ]
Legal Age for marriage: 20 for men and for 20 women without parental consent; 18 for men and for 18 women with parental consent. [Source: United Nations Data data.un.org]
Marriage generally takes place within ethnic group, religion and caste but with a partner outside the clan and village often with an equal wife-giver-wife-taker relationship between the involved clans or villages. This means that clan or village No.1 provides a wife for a marriage to clan or village No. 2 and later village or clan that received the wife — No. 2 — provides a wife to a different marriage involving clan or village No. 1. Marriages with Hindus often involves the payment of a dowry. Among Tibetan-related groups a payment is made by the groom to the bride’s family.
Elizabeth wrote in the Encyclopedia of Sexuality: In Nepal, there is an expectation from childhood that a person will be married at some point. Marriage is seen as the greatest rite of passage in a person’s life, the true sign that a person has gone from being a child to an adult. Marriage is highly valued, as is childbearing. Women who are unable to become pregnant are often ostracized or thought to be “improper.” The assumption is widely held that if a woman cannot get pregnant, there is something wrong with her. Rarely does one explore the possibility that a man could be infertile. In some situations, men will take second wives in order to partner with a woman who can bear them children. A man may take on several wives, even if a pregnancy does not occur, rather than consider his own potential infertility. It is not known how widely this type of polygamy exists. [Source: Elizabeth Schroeder, M.S.W, Encyclopedia of Sexuality, 2002]
Types of Marriage in Nepal
Most marriages — especially among high caste Hindus — are arranged (See Below). In rural area there are three main kind of marriages: 1) arranged marriage; 2) love marriage; and 3) bridal kidnaping. In the case of the later the families have to agree to a formal marriage or the relationship is dissolved. Elopement is most common among poor families as a way of getting of paying dowries and bride prices. Hindus generally do not practice cross-cousin marriages but they are practiced by some Tibetan groups.
Some groups forbid marriage between cousins. Other groups encourage it. Some groups practice marriage bridal kidnapping (also called marriage by capture). In most cases the girl is snatched at a festival or while she is collecting water or firewood and is taken to the house of a relative, where the boy has thee days to convince the girl to marry him. If she refuses she is allowed to go back to her family.
Monogamy is generally the rule. Child marriages have traditionally been considered auspicious. In the old days many people got married when they were very young, often in their early teens. This is still common but less the case today and the young have become better educated. Child marriages are illegal but still take place in rural areas. The law states that a girl can not marry before 20 against their consent. Before the law was below 16. Still many girls below 20 and below 16 are getting married against their consent Another law forbid marriage between a female and a man 20 years older than her. See Child Marriages below.
Love marriages are becoming more popular and common in urban areas, where people are better educated, more Westernized and have been influenced more things romantic films and love songs. The modern economy offers younger people more opportunities for economic independence and escape from family, extended family, clan and village duties. [Source: “Countries and Their Cultures”, The Gale Group Inc., 2001]
Samray Upadhyay, a Kathmandu-born, U.S.-educated writer, was the first Nepalese writer to be have his English writing published in the West. His debut novel, “The Guru of Love” (2003) is about a married. middle-class, Kathmandu math teacher who has an affair with a girl he is tutoring. When his wife finds out she asks to girl to move in with them.
Polyandry and Polygamy in Nepal
Polygyny (marrying several partners) is against the law but in Nepal it can be both a man with multiple wives (polygamy) or a woman with multiple husbands (polyandry). In the old days polygyny was legal and relatively common. Now it is found only among older people in remote areas. Polygamy is still tolerated by men wealthy enough to afford several wives and allowed for men whose first wife was unable to produce a son. Some Tibetan groups practice polyandry in which a woman marries brothers.
Zann Huizhen Huang wrote in the Daily Bhutan: “Polyandry is still practised in Bhutan, Tibet, Nepal and pockets of India, particularly amongst the minority tribes living in the Himalaya region. An age-old practice that has gradually disappeared in some parts of the world, polyandry which means ‘many’ (poly) and ‘man’ (andros) in Greek, literally refers to a woman taking two or more husbands. This rare and unique form of marriage custom existed in some communities for centuries but has mostly faded in the past few decades. [Source: Zann Huizhen Huang, Daily Bhutan, February 29, 2020]
Why is polyandry practice? “A system of union which most likely arose in populations where resources such as land and food were scarce, it could also possibly have been adopted as a way to address the issue of gender imbalance, that is, when there were more males than females. Interestingly, in almost all cases, the kind of polyandry which existed was fraternal or adelphic (brothers sharing one wife) as opposed to non-fraternal polyandry, where a few unrelated men share a wife.”
“Borne out of necessity due to specific geographical challenges such as a place’s remoteness or lack of tillable land, the practice of polyandry allows family wealth and land to remain intact and undivided. Having one woman married to a few brothers is a way to guarantee that their children would all inherit the pasture land and flocks together. Conversely, if every brother had married separately and produced children, land and other properties would have to be split, this can be impractical in environments where resources are scarce. Typically, the eldest brother usually dominates the household, and all the brothers are regarded as equal sexual partners of the shared wife.”
Arranged Marriages in Nepal
Most marriages — especially among high caste Hindus — are arranged with relative acting as a go-between and relaying photographs and information to other families and go-betweens with prospective mates. Astrologers are consulted to make sure a couple is a good match. The majority of parents surveyed in the early 2000s said they favor arranged marriages, although 25 percent of parents living in the urban center expressed support for love marriages as well. Arranged marriages are less common among Tibetan-related people. Among them, young people often have many occasions to interact and chose a partner.
Nepal is strongly patrilineal and patrilocal. Arranged marriages are the norm because marriages forge important social bonds between families. The process generally begins when a child reaches marriageable age, which sometimes means puberty. Family elders are often responsible for finding a suitable mate and they make their choices based education level, caste, wealth, and social status. [Source: “Countries and Their Cultures”, The Gale Group Inc., 2001]
Many future spouses have never met one another before they are introduced by their parents. Even so arranged marriages in South Asia have a very high success rate. There are fewer divorces with arranged marriages than with love marriages based on the fact there are relatively low divorce rates in countries with arranged marriages and high divorce rates in countries with love marriages.
Marriages have traditionally been arranged by parents of the same caste in different villages between young people who have never met. In the old days parents had more say over their children's future spouse than their children did. Once a couple decided that they wanted to get married they were not allowed to date or meet each other between the engagement and the wedding day. Today, dates and meetings are common before the engagement and wedding among urban couples and the couple often knows each other pretty well before they are married. In rural areas sometimes villages where the future bride and groom live are so far apart and so difficult to get to they don’t meet until their wedding day. In any case, even today romance plays little part in selecting a mate, many young people say they are opposed to courtship and they trust their parent’s judgment rather than their own when it comes to selecting a mate. [Source: Molly Moore, Washington Post]
Most South Asian children are raised with the expectation that their parents will arrange their marriages, but an increasing number of young people, especially among the college-educated, are finding their own spouses. So-called love marriages are deemed a slightly scandalous alternative to properly arranged marriages. Some young people convince their parents to "arrange" their marriages to people with whom they have fallen in love. [Source: Library of Congress]
The days when arranged marriages involved parents decreeing who would marry whom and then haggling over the dowry are largely gone among the middle class. Prospective mates generally have the power to accept or reject the choices made for them. Jayaji Krishna Nath, M.D. and Vishwarath R. Nayar wrote in the Encyclopedia of Sexuality: “Although the tradition of arranged marriages has a practical value in preserving family traditions and values, it encounters some opposition as young Indian men and women learn of the Western tradition of romance and love. [Source: Jayaji Krishna Nath, M.D., and Vishwarath R. Nayar, Encyclopedia of Sexuality, sexarchive.info]
Marriage Customs Among Different Caste and Ethnic Groups in Nepal
Alfred Pach III wrote in the “Encyclopedia of World Cultures”: “All groups in Nepal follow some form of clan, lineage, or local descent group exogamy [marrying outside a community or clan], at least through the fifth generation. Hypergamy [marrying a person of higher caste] is not commonly practiced except among some Rajputs in the Terai and a few interethnic marriages where trade-offs are made between ritual status and class. However, for many groups marriages entail hypergamous relations among families and lineages as a post facto result of the higher status accorded wife takers over wife givers. [Source: Alfred Pach III, “Encyclopedia of World Cultures Volume 3: South Asia,” edited by Paul Hockings, 1992 |~|]
Among some groups, a brideprice substitutes for a dowry. In others, clan exogamy is an important feature of marriages. Nevertheless, for most Tibetan-and Tibeto-Burman-speaking groups a ritual and often substantial payment is made by the groom to the bride's family. Cross-cousin marriage is not practiced among many groups such as the Sherpa and Hindu caste groups. However, the Thakuri permit and prefer cross-cousin matrilateral marriage. Other groups such as the Tamang and Nyinba prefer bilateral cross-cousin marriage. In general, most marriages are made between couples of the same generation. However, the average age of marriage partners is increasing as education becomes more important and available. Monogamy is the most common form of marriage in Nepal, although a few Individuals in most groups also practice polygyny. [Source: Alfred Pach III, “Encyclopedia of World Cultures Volume 3: South Asia,” edited by Paul Hockings, 1992 |~|]
“A number of Tibetan-speaking people, such as the Nyinba, Sherpa, and Baragaonli, practice variant forms of fraternal polyandry. Throughout Nepal most marriages are arranged by the Parents of the couple, though with varying degrees of involvement and control. Among high-caste Hindus, marriages have typically been arranged wholly through the decisions of the couples' families. Young men and women of Tibeto-Burman-speaking groups in the middle hills, on the other hand, have more occasion to interact with one another and may induce their parents merely to arrange marriage ceremonies for them. An unusual, and perhaps more legendary than actual, practice among Tibeto-Burman-speaking groups is wife capture. In such a case, following the abduction of a woman, both she and her family need to agree to a marital arrangement or the relationship is dissolved. Eloping is mainly practiced among more impoverished families. After marriage, couples typically live with the husband's extended family for a number of years. However, among the Sherpa marriage takes place in stages, perhaps for years. Thus a husband and wife may continue to live with their respective natal families for years and only visit each other.
Weddings in Nepal
Most Nepalese get marry in accordance with Hindu traditions and customs. Buddhists follow Buddhist traditions and customs. Among Hindu Nepalese both families are expected pitch in hosting a wedding feast which has traditionally lasted three days. The cost of such weddings can be very high, especially to the bride's family, and some families go into debt. [Source: “Countries and Their Cultures”, The Gale Group Inc., 2001]
A wedding feature a trip by the groom to the ceremony, the ceremony itself, and a procession with flower offerings or sacrificial goats. A “panchai baja” is a Nepalese wedding band whose musicians play Bollywood songs and local favorites on C-shaped horns, cymbals, kettle drums and shawms (oboe-like isntruments). The band, comprised of members of a Dalit (untouchable) class, accompanies the groom on his way to the ceremony and plays during the procession afterwards. They also play traditional songs that go with certain parts of the wedding.
Weddings in South Asia are often highly complex, and involve huge expenditures and the feeding of a lot of people. A typical wedding, and all that goes with it, hosts 100 or more people, mostly relatives, attending. Customs vary according to region, caste, ethnic group, religion and income levels of the families involved.
A traditional Hindu wedding and ceremony is presided over by a Brahman priest. The bride is shaded by a tent-like saffron canopy decorated with flowers and surrounded by wedding guests. The formal ceremony often begins with the couple standing on a platform and the curtain between them is removed and sandalwood chips are placed around their necks. The ceremony is held before a sacred fire lit inside a metal vessel. The sacred fire is a symbol of purification and a representation of Agni, the fire god. It burns underneath the saffron canopy and is made with specific kinds of wood, often mango wood, and is kindled by rubbing sticks together in a proscribed fashion. Before the fire the priest recites sacred Sanskrit texts to drive off darkness while the couple throws offerings of puffed rice and clarified butter. In Aryan times the fire was never allowed to go out and into it daily offering were made to the gods.
The central ritual of a Hindu wedding is the sapta-pad, the seven steps taken by the couple together around the sacred fire. The rituals begins when the priest starts chanting and the bride and groom approach each other in an area purified with piles of rice. Holding right hands-the bride has to reach across her body to grab the groom’s right hand — the couple take seven steps together around the holy fire (or more precisely circle the fire seven times), place garlands of rose pedals and marigolds around each other’s neck and daub sandalwood paste on each other’s foreheads. These acts are the equivalent of exchanging rings in a Christian wedding ceremony. The seven steps symbolize eternal friendship and the couple’s journey through life together.
Dowries and Divorce in Nepal
Marriages with Hindus often involves the payment of a dowry. Among Tibetan-related groups a brideprice — a payment by the groom to the bride’s family — is made. In Nepal, as is true throughout India, Pakistan and South Asia, assets are generally moved from the bride’s family to the groom’s family. In most parts of the world it is either the other way around or there is no exchange of assets between families.
The bride's family generally provides a substantial dowry to the groom's family, while the groom's family furnishes a much smaller gift of clothing, jewelry, and personal items to the bride. Among Hindus there are dowry customs similar to those in India but not as extreme. The Social Ceremonies Act of 1976 limits the amount that can be spent on dowry.
Divorce is almost non existent among Brahmans and Chhetris and is more common among Hindus of lower caste but is still generally frowned upon by Hindus and is regarded as the breaking of a sacred agreement made between man and God. Among some groups such as the Magars divorce s easy to obtain and there is not much stigma attached to it.
Laws on divorce are considered discriminatory towards women. Women who file for divorce lose all rights to her husband’s property and generally have to relinquish their children to the husbands family. Often times divorce proceedings are long and drawn out and women have to support themselves until the divorce is finalized and even then alimony payments are generally minimal.
Both men and women lose status if they get divorced. If a woman is abandoned she may be able to claim some of her husband property. Women lose ritual status if they marry again but men do not.
Married Life in Nepal
After marriage the couple typically moves in with the husband’s’s extended family. New brides have traditionally been bullied by their mother-in-laws until they give birth to a child, preferably a son. Married women sometimes have tikas on their foreheads.
It is not uncommon for a young wife to leave here husband and go back and live with her family. Nor it is uncommon for a young husband to leave his wife and form a union with a new wife. If this happens often times the dowry or bride price has to be returned. [Source: Alfred Pach III, “Encyclopedia of World Cultures Volume 3: South Asia,” edited by Paul Hockings, 1992 ]
Couples often live with the husbands family until the father dies At that time the father’s property is divided among the brothers and the extended family starts to split up. Tensions between different brothers and their wives often leads to one brother leaving the village and seeking some other kind of employment.
In cases of adultery the man is often let off lightly and required only to take a ritualized purifying bath while the woman is regarded as polluted for the rest of her life. Other punishments might be imposed depending on the caste of the man and woman involved. Under Nepalese law the adulterous man and woman are supposed to pay a fine and spend two months in jail.
Magar Marriage
Magar are the third largest ethnic group in Nepal. According to the CIA Factbook in 2020 they make up 7.1 percent of the population of Nepal. They are a Hindu people who live in the middle Himalayas and Terai and west-central and southern Nepal.
Marriage age couples are encouraged to talk about sex and touch each other. Even so the marriages of virgins are more elaborate and involves special steps regarding the blood of a sacrificed chicken. Divorce s easy to obtain and there is not much stigma attached to it. However if a women gets married for the fourth time she is given a nickname that implies she is loose. Abduction marriages occur with families who want a way out of marriage or wedding expense.
Hitchcock wrote in the “Encyclopedia of World Cultures”: “For a virgin girl the minimum ceremony generally regarded as sufficient to give her the status of a married woman consists of four rites. After securing permission from the prospective bride's family — usually through an intermediary — a representative of the groom's family goes to the bride's house and takes her to the groom's. There, in the first of the four ritual actions, one that only Vaishnavite Magars omit (see below), the man who accompanied the bride Sacrifices a chicken at the entrance to the groom's farmstead. The bride and groom step on the blood for strength and well-being and to keep evil spirits at bay. The second action takes place at the entrance to the groom's house, when first the Father and his lineage elders and then the mother, as tokens of their acceptance of the union and hopes for its auspicious future, each press a tika (auspicious spot) of red-colored curd and rice on the couple's foreheads. Inside the house, as a symbol of their consummated union, the groom gives his bride some red powder for the part in her hair, usually applying some of it himself. The fourth and final step is the return of the couple and their party to the bride's house, carrying a gift of food for the bride's family. Each entering person is given a tika at the door, and then the bride's mother serves them a meal. [Source: John T. Hitchcock, “Encyclopedia of World Cultures Volume 3: South Asia,” edited by Paul Hockings, 1992 |~|]
“Marriages of virgin girls are sometimes made more elaborate, mainly by bringing more food to the bride's house and making the return procession more conspicuous. In such cases there is a tailor to beat a drum and, as companions and food carriers for the couple, a virgin girl from the bride's Lineage and a man married to a girl from the groom's lineage. These two carry curd, fried bread, beer, and rice-based liquor. Further elaboration at the groom's house includes the use of one or more Brahmans to conduct Vedic rites. |~|
“Many Banyan Hill marriages are remarriages for both spouses. No social opprobrium is attached to the woman who marries a second time (jari ), nor to the woman who marries for a third (sari ), but one who marries for a fourth time is referred to by a term (phundi ) that connotes sexual looseness. Second and third marriages enter the realm of politics. Before such marriages are recognized as legal, the deserted husband has to be compensated. The amount is negotiated by the couple's headmen. A deserted husband whose wife has married a fourth time cannot claim compensation. [Banyan Hill is the pseudonym for a Magar village]|~|
“To avoid the expense of a marriage ceremony the parents of a virgin girl sometimes arrange to have her abducted by a boy they approve of as a son-in-law. "Captures" — marriages that have not been arranged by the girl's parents — also occur, but not frequently. The abductor knows that the marriage is not legal and that if he is not approved of by the girl and her parents, they have legal recourse. |~|
Limbu Marriage
Limbu are the 14th largest ethnic group in Nepal. According to the CIA Factbook in 2020 they make up 1.5 percent of the population of Nepal.. Resided in eastern Nepal between the Arun River and the border of Sikkim, India, they are a Mongolian people who speak a dialect of Tibetan, practice Hinduism mixed with traditional folk religion
Among the Limbu marriage is not considered legitimate until a child is produced. Until that time the woman is regarded of low status and is scolded by her mother-on-law and addressed as “hey you” on the streets. The marriage itself can take three forms: 1) arranged; 2) adulatous; and 3) theft. The first kind involves the payment of a bridal price by the groom’s family and the approval of parents. The second and third kinds are ways to get out paying a bride price
According to the “Encyclopedia of World Cultures”: “In the past, marriages were arranged by families with neither the bride nor the groom having much comment on the marriage payments or ceremonies. After the wedding the girl would give up her last name for her husband's, in return for a brideprice. Modern times have changed this and now both parties have a chance to choose and decide on the matter. The gift giving continues after the wedding and marriage payments extend over many years. [Source: Saideh Moayed-Sanandaji, “Encyclopedia of World Cultures Volume 3: South Asia,” edited by Paul Hockings, 1992 |~|]
“Adulterous” and "theft" marriages are legal. “In case of adulterous marriage a bride-price is not required. Some compensation is paid to the former husband by the new husband. Also, if the woman is single, the new husband visits the woman's natal home with offerings to form a closer bond with her family. "Theft" marriages are common. The term "theft" means that she has agreed to be taken without negotiations. Such elopement is one way to avoid the high cost of a bride-price. The women in these marriages are considered as weak subjects, labor resources, and child bearers. For the Limbus these undesirable marriages, especially theft of married women, are usually initiated at dances. |~|
Newari Girls’ Three Marriages: First to a Wood Apple
The Newars are an ethnic group associated with the Kathmandu Valley. Regarded by some as the earliest inhabitants of the valley, they are both Buddhists and Hindus. They speak a Tibetan language with many Sanskit and Nepali loan words. The word “Nepal” is believed by some to have been derived from word “Newar,” or possibly the other way around. The Newar are the sixth largest ethnic group in Nepal. According to the CIA Factbook in 2020 they make up 5 percent of the population of Nepal.
Newar girls are married three times. They are first married to a bael fruit, also known as wood apple, or an areca nut, then the Sun. The girl’s marriage to her husband is last, and of lesser importance. According to Hindu Newar custom little girls are symbolically married at age seven to Vishnu (Narayan), represented by a bael fruit or an areca nut. Since women are thus "married" for life they never have to suffer the stigma of widowhood or divorce or not being virgins when they get married. The marriage is recognized with an elaborate ceremony in which the bride dons a red sari and gold ornaments and has red tika powder placed at the parting of her hair on her forehead. Among some groups the bael fruit represents Suvama Kumar, the son of Shiva.
According to the “Encyclopedia of World Cultures”: “ Marriage is generally monogamous and Postmarital residence is virilocal. Polygyny is allowed in the absence of a son from the first wife. Caste endogamy is the rule. Contrary to what some authors claim, there are not all that many cases of divorce, intercaste marriages, or "climbing the [caste] ladder." Village endogamy occurs occasionally, but not in typical settlements. Cross-cousin marriage is forbidden. Marriage is usually arranged by parents who use a gobetween. Marriage by elopement is popular in some peripheral villages. [Source: Hiroshi Ishii, “Encyclopedia of World Cultures Volume 3: South Asia,” edited by Paul Hockings, 1992 |~|]
The first ceremony is known as ‘Ehee, ihi or Bel Bibah’. Manvi Singh wrote in the Times of India: “Bael means wood-apple fruit and Bibah means marriage. Bibek Shrestha, a 19 year-old Newari, says that once a girl gets married to Lord Vishnu in form of bael, even if her ‘ human husband dies, she will not be called a widow as her husband in form of Lord Vishnu is immortal. This way, any Newari girl married to a bael can remarry after the death of her ‘human husband’. Bael is considered to be a very tough fruit because of its hard shell. The ceremony with the Bael is conducted to ask Lord for a similar strong groom. The best fruit is chosen for the ceremony so that the girl gets the best husband. Since the fruit is symbolic of the Lord, it is believed to fulfill all wishes. [Source: Manvi Singh, Times of India, June 19, 2018]
“After the ceremony called ‘Bara Tayegu’ or ‘Gufa Rakhne’ that lasts for almost 12 days, the girls are married to the Sun. ‘Bara’ means cave and ‘Tayegu’ means to put. Girls during this ceremony are put in cave like surrounding. They remain in a dark room for 11 days, away from any man to prove their purity. It is must that the girl should not have menstruated ever before this ceremony. The twelfth day is marked by a huge celebration to signify the end of the ceremony. Sun is ‘eternal’ that is why girls are married to sun.
“The first marriage, or the marriage with the fruit, is around the age of 5-10, while the second marriage with the Sun is around 10-15 years of age. We usually decide based on the physical growth of girl,” a Newari mother said. After these marriages, the girl is referred to as ‘Parvati’. The third, or the first non-divine marriage, of a Newari girl is with a man. The marriage happens as per the beliefs of the family. However, since the girl has already been married twice ,the presence of her husband is not mandatory. A girl in the Newari community is also free to divorce her husband, without being considered a divorcee.”
Gurung Marriage and Dating Customs
The Gurung is an ethnic group that live primarily the Himalayan foothills of central Nepal around Pokhara and the Annapurna, Lamjung and Himalchuli regions. They speak Gurung — a tonal language related to Tibetan — and have traditionally been Tibetan Buddhists but have been strongly influenced by Hinduism. Gurung are the 11th largest ethnic group in Nepal. According to the CIA Factbook in 2020 they make up 2 percent of the population.
Cross cousin marriages are preferred with girls generally getting married in their late teens (they used to get married at between ages 9 and 12). Bride wealth in the form of gold jewelry has traditionally been given from the family of the groom to the bride. The couple has traditionally gone to live with the groom’s family after marriage. [Source: Ernestine L. McHugh, “Encyclopedia of World Cultures Volume 3: South Asia,” edited by Paul Hockings, 1992]
Teenage Gurung form groups called rodi with a dozen or so boy and girl members. Members of the rodi work with each other in fields during the day and share a dormitory supervised by a chaperone at night. The teenagers entertain themselves with songs, dance and stories. As they grow older they are expected to pair off with the person they expect to marry. The rodi dissolves when the majority of its members get married.
According to the “Encyclopedia of World Cultures”: “Among Gurungs, the domestic unit changes over time. A household will begin as a nuclear family, and, as sons reach adulthood and marry, their brides come into the parental home and remain there while their first one or two children are small. The domestic unit is then an extended family for a period of five to ten years. As the son's children grow, he will build a separate residence, usually next to that of his parents. Divorce can be initiated by either the man or the woman. If the husband initiates a divorce without due complaint, such as adultery, the wife has the right to keep the bride-wealth. However, if the wife causes or initiates the divorce she is required to return the bride-wealth to her husband. |~|
Nyinba Marriage
The Nyinda are a small Tibetan ethnic group that lives in Humal Karnali, a rugged area between 2,850 and 3,300 meters in elevation in Nepal near the Tibetan border. There are only a few thousand of them. They have traditionally raised high elevation crops like buckwheat and millet and were involved in the Tibetan salt trade. They are also known as Barthapalya (in Nepali), Bhotia, Bhutia and Tamang.
What is significant about the Nyinda is their widespread adoption if polyandry (a wife with multiple husbands). Traditionally, all Nyinda brothers married the same woman. Over time some of the marriages became monogamous as brothers died and occasionally divorced.. A survey in the 1980s found that 70 percent of all marriage began as polyandrous but only half remained that way. Tensions between brother is minimized by granting them equal sexual access to the common wife and the designation of paternity, which give all brothers a chance to be a father, Divorce is rare. Some marriage are both polygynous and polyandrous. Sometimes brothers jointly marry sisters. Men whose wives are childless are encouraged to take second wives. Unions are sometimes shaped depending on whether individuals are descendants of slaves or slaveowners.
Nancy E. Levine wrote in the “Encyclopedia of World Cultures”: “All Nyinba men who have brothers marry jointly in fraternal polyandry. Over time, these marriages may become monogamous, due to deaths of brothers and occasional divorce. Thus household histories show 70 percent of marriages to have been initially polyandrous, although only half the marriages in 1983 remained so. Postmarital residence is ordinarily virilocal. Only when a family lacks sons will a daughter marry uxorilocally. Most uxorilocal unions are monogamous, although sometimes a second sister joins the Marriage, in sororal polygyny. [Source: Nancy E. Levine, “Encyclopedia of World Cultures Volume 3: South Asia,” edited by Paul Hockings, 1992 |~|]
“Men whose wives are childless are encouraged to marry second wives and men extremely unhappy in their polyandrous marriages are sometimes permitted second wives by their families. This creates marriages that are both polygynous and polyandrous (less than 5 percent of extant marriages in 1983). In all such cases, the preference is for sororal polygyny. Polyandry is highly idealized in expressing fraternal unity; it is seen as economically advantageous, and it also confers political advantages in the village. Frictions between brothers seem to be minimized by practices ensuring equal sexual access to the common wife and by the designation of paternity, which gives brothers equal opportunity to father children within the common marriage. Divorce of men is rare, as is the divorce of women who have borne children. |~|
Child Marriages in Nepal
Nepal has among the highest rates of child marriage in the world. One survey in the early 1990s found that only 2.4 percent of women married after the age of 25. A survey in the 1980s found that 22.5 percent of girls married before reaching 15. In the late 2000, UNICEF reported that 42 percent of young women between 15 and 19 were married, compared to 3.9 percent in the United States. [Source: UNICEF]
According to a 2016 Human Rights Watch report Nepal has the third-highest rate of child marriage in Asia behind Bangladesh and India, with 37 percent of girls marrying before age 18, and 10 percent before 15. The Human Rights Watch study found child marriage was prevalent throughout Nepal, and practiced in Hindu, Buddhist, Muslim and Christian communities.
Women aged 20-24 years who were first married or in union by age 18: 33 percent (compared to 32 percent in Yemen and 3.9 percent in the United States) . Women aged 20-24 years who were first married or in union by age 15: 8 percent. Men aged 20-24 years who were first married or in union by age 18: 8 percent. [Source: UNICEF 2019 data.unicef.org/topic/child-protection/child-marriage ]
Elizabeth wrote in the Encyclopedia of Sexuality: One study of parental attitudes towards marriage in the early found a majority of parents favoring early marriage for girls and later marriage for boys (Moktan 2001). Attitudes toward this tend to differ in urban and rural areas. Most parents say they would prefer their children to be at least 18 before getting married, although younger marriages do take place. In the rural areas, marriage is common between young girls (ages 14 to 16) and much older men. The average age at marriage for girls is 16, with over half of these girls becoming pregnant by the time they are 20. [Source: Elizabeth Schroeder, M.S.W, Encyclopedia of Sexuality, 2002]
Bhadra Sharma and Kai Schultz wrote in the New York Times: “In many parts of the world, the battle against child marriage is being won but the story is complicated in Nepal where activists say these marriages are increasing in some villages. Unicef found, even though the practice has technically been illegal in the country since 1963 nearly 40 percent of Nepalese women between the ages of 20 and 24 were married by the time they turned 18, Unicef reported, and the country also has an unusually large number of young grooms, a little-studied demographic but one with unique social pressures. [Source: By Bhadra Sharma and Kai Schultz, New York Times, June 6, 2019]
“Girls are plucked out of school once they start to menstruate, a sign to some families that they are ready for marriage. Their unions are often bound with the illegal exchange of a dowry. In some Nepalese communities, women who wait until they are older to get married are expected to give their husband’s family a larger share of land or money. “That’s why poor people stop sending their daughters to school and force them to find a groom,” said Santara Paswan, 26, an activist from southern Nepal who said her parents coerced her into a marriage at 15. “Our society is so backward.”
Pressures and Forces Behind Child Marriage in Nepal
The Nepalese government say the deeply entrenched nature of child marriage makes it hard to tackle. According to Human Rights Watch gender discrimination and poverty are key factors driving child marriage. Almost 25 percent of Nepalis live on a less than $1.25 a day. “Some girls said they welcomed a child marriage because they hoped it might mean they had more to eat, a hope that was not always fulfilled," the report said. “In many communities it is normal for girls to marry soon after puberty, as parents will avoid paying a higher dowry to the groom's family if the bride is younger, it said. Poverty, compounded by illiteracy and society's disapproval of unmarried women, compelled many parents to seek out husbands for their daughters. [Source: Reuters, September 8, 2016]
Reporting from Gorgama, Bhadra Sharma and Kai Schultz wrote in the New York Times: “In Nepal’s hot southern plains, Rajesh Sada’s mother had one wish: that she would live to see the marriage of her 16-year-old son before she succumbed to tuberculosis. It took only a few days to find a bride. In March, several days before his mother died, Rajesh exchanged vows — with a 15-year-old girl he did not know. Five of his siblings — all married as teenagers — smiled and congratulated him. They saw no reason to question the moment. “I don’t think anything is wrong with child marriage,” Rajesh said recently outside his small hut made of mud, stone and dried grass. “It happens everywhere here. It is an expectation.” [Source: By Bhadra Sharma and Kai Schultz, New York Times, June 6, 2019]
“Pressure from parents is often enormous. Rakesh Sada, 19, who is not related to the 16-year-old Rajesh Sada, was married to his wife, Punti Sada, 18, three years ago at the insistence of Rakesh’s mother. Over that time, Rakesh said, feelings of resentment over his early marriage have increased. They already have two young children. Punti spends part of her days giving oil massages to Rakesh’s mother, who said she was happy with the marriage. Rakesh makes a meager living driving a tractor in the southern district of Saptari.
“He vowed not to allow his daughters to marry until they were at least 20. “I have no other option except to raise my family in a better way, send my children to good schools and prepare for their futures,” he said. But the consequences of marrying at such a young age were not yet apparent to Rajesh Sada, who has soft features and a shaved head. In his village, Gorgama, where a few hundred laborers toil in brick kilns, money is hard to come by, and most people drop out of school.
“With his mother now deceased, Rajesh said his wife, Punita, who moved into the family’s home, cares for his father and keeps the house running. During the day, Rajesh makes about $5 working on a construction site. He plans to leave for the Persian Gulf to earn enough money to build a new house. An early marriage, he said, was unavoidable. “My father is old, so I had to get married,” he said. “I have no education. I couldn’t continue with school because I did not have enough resources. I have no big dreams.”
“As Rajesh spoke to a journalist, a gaggle of villagers crowded around him, and Punita, who moved to Gorgama from a nearby village, kept her face obscured by a bright sari. Asked for her thoughts, she ran inside the couple’s house and did not come out. Later, in a brief interview, she said that her parents had found Rajesh and that she had no choice but to obey their demand to marry him. “I am an illiterate girl,” she said. “I have nothing to say about child marriage.”“
Impact of Child Marriages in Nepal
A 2012 report by Save the Children, World Vision and Plan said girls who marry young suffer from pregnancy-related complications, uterine prolapse, infant and maternal mortality, malnutrition of both mother and child as well as psychological problems, including depression, violent marital relations and suicides.
A report by Human Rights Watch said child marriage often results in a vicious cycle of malnutrition, poor health and ignorance, since a child bride is more likely to drop out of school and experience problems during pregnancy and childbirth. Reuters reported: “Her children are more likely to be underweight or die before age 5, said the report, which was based on over 100 interviews with children, former child brides, parents and activists. “Many children in Nepal, both girls and boys, are seeing their futures stolen from them by child marriage," said Heather Barr, women's rights researcher at HRW. “Nepal's government promises reform, but in towns and villages across the country, nothing has changed." [Source: Reuters, September 8, 2016]
“Kopila Wosti was just 14 when her father married her off to a stranger who was five years older. A year later, she gave birth to a baby girl. By the time she was 20, she had three children. “The first time I became pregnant, I was not even aware I was going to be a mother and did not know how to raise the child," said Wosti, now 34, as she sat cross-legged on the floor of a shelter home in the Nepali capital, Kathmandu.
“Separated from her husband for over a decade, Wosti blames the marriage for ruining her life — denying her the chance of going to school and of choosing a more suitable partner. “There are women of my age who are yet to have children," said the petite woman, dressed in a green shirt and trousers, with her long black hair tied up in bun. “I could have gone to school and had a better future, too. But all that is a dream now," she told the Thomson Reuters Foundation.
Thirty-Two-Year-Old Mother with Ten Kids
Sukumaya Chepang was married when she was just 14 and had 10 children — seven daughters and three sons by age 32. The Kathmandu reported: “Sukumaya’s is a case that spells the problem of early marriage, lack of awareness about reproductive health, and above all the abject poverty in which this mother of 10 and other girls are living in the country. Giving birth to seven daughters and three sons just at the age of 32 means the mother and children’s health at huge risk. Her eldest daughter is 14 years old and the youngest one is about 15 months old. [Source: Pratap Bista Makwanpur, Kathmandu Post, January 30, 2017]
“The family lives in abject poverty, surviving on edible roots found in the forest. “The food grains produced in our farmland barley last for four months,” said Sukumaya. Her two daughters, aged 14 and 13, are already married.
“Most of the Chepang women get married at an early age in Bharta. Santamaya Chepang, who is only 29, also has given birth eight children (four daughters and four sons). Most of the married women in Bharta have seven to 10 children. Tanka Moktan, a technical assistant at the Village Development Committee, said women hardly use contraceptives here, largely due to lack of awareness and poverty.
“Dr Charan Bista said almost of all Chepang children here have been found to be underweight. As many as 619 women have given birth to babies at the birthing center in the last six months. Of them, 11 became mothers when they were 15-18 years of age, according to the data provided by the birthing center. Nepal outlawed child marriage in 1963, but the practice is still rampant even today, with rights groups blaming the government for failing to take sufficient steps to end child marriage.
Child Groom in Nepal: Married at Seven
It’s not just girls who get married when they are young. Boys, too, find themselves in the sam predicament, expected to support a family even before they become teenagers. Shashank Bengali wrote in the Los Angeles Times: “The groom remembers his wedding day only in snapshots, like a dream that comes back in fragments. A band played Hindi songs. He rode in a rented van, his family dancing alongside. Guests dined on rice, dhal and potato fritters known as pakoras, a food for special occasions. It looked, he was told, much like the wedding of his older brother, who was in Saudi Arabia working to feed his two children. The groom had already started to think about how he would support his own family. The marriage had been arranged by his parents, so it wasn’t until he lifted his bride’s veil to apply the ceremonial vermilion powder that he saw her face for the first time. She looked pretty, he says now, recalling that her skin was a shade darker than his. The next day, he went back to school. He was nine years old. [Source: Shashank Bengali, Los Angeles Times, February 6 2015]
“Children grow up fast in western Nepal, a land of mud-walled farming villages and golden paddy fields. Boys not yet old enough to shave begin driving bullock carts, feeding the cows and helping in the fields. Girls watch over babies scarcely younger than themselves. Before long, according to a custom that has been observed for generations, it is time for the children to marry. In the district of Rupandehi, according to a 2011 national health survey, roughly half of married men said they wed during their teenage years or earlier. “It is a way for families to control the boys’ sexuality, and for poor families to get rid of one of their obligations,” says Ramsharan Reidas, a 37-year-old community activist who was married at seven. “If the boy is married, it’s like he is an adult and he should be taking care of himself.”
“There are also financial imperatives. Aid workers say that the younger the groom, the less a bride’s family must offer as dowry. Although the bride usually doesn’t come to live with her young husband until three to five years after the wedding ceremony, married village boys are easy to spot with their gold necklaces and Indian-made motorcycles, usually dowry gifts from in-laws.
“Surveys by aid workers in western Nepal have begun to reveal the extent of the physical and psychological strain on boys thrust into adult relationships, even those who aren’t yet living with their wives. School attendance rates drop after age 13 as boys join the workforce, many crossing the open border to become labourers in India’s booming cities. The desperation is greatest among families who belong to the lowest rung of the Hindu caste system – the Dalits, or “untouchables”. “There are health problems, social problems, pressure to show they can make money,” says Gita Kumari Shah, a monitoring officer with CARE, the US-based humanitarian agency, which has begun a campaign to reduce child marriage in Nepal. “Emotionally, they are trapped between being a man with a wife, and a boy living under his parents.”
Stories of Child Grooms in Nepal
Shashank Bengali wrote in the Los Angeles Times: “Parashuram Harijan, now 31, with a round face and dark, deep-set eyes, recalled that on the day of his nuptials, when he was nine, his Dalit family dressed him in an elaborate dhoti (a long piece of fabric wrapped around the legs and knotted at the waist). After the ceremony, he had to go to the bathroom, but he couldn’t figure out how to unravel the fabric. He ended up urinating on himself in his wedding finery. [Source: Shashank Bengali, Los Angeles Times, February 6 2015]
“When his wife moved in three years later, she had grown taller than him. Harijan suspected she was older than he had been led to believe. At night, he lay with her on a bed padded with straw, but when she drew close, his 12-year-old body froze in confusion. “I was overwhelmed,” he says. “I couldn’t do what was expected of me as a married man.” Like many young brides, the girl felt she had to bear children to cement her place in her in-laws’ home. She grew restless. Harijan learned that when he was away, she would wear makeup and flirt with other boys in the village.
“The marriage broke up within a year. “After the wedding, everyone tells you, ‘You have responsibilities now,’” says Harijan, who remarried and has three children. “The dreams and energy you have as a young person go away. You are tormented by the responsibility of having a wife and family.”
“In Shihokhor, a cluster of thatch-roofed homes at the edge of a vast tract of paddy fields, a crowd of children gathered to watch 16-year-old Deva Reidas get a tattoo emblazoned on his forearm with the name of his bride-to-be, Kalawati. They are to marry in April. Their parents introduced them last year. Deva, a lanky, confident boy with a gold earring, was immediately struck by Kalawati’s long hair and fair skin. Defying custom, he later went to see her alone, waiting outside her ninth-grade class to exchange a few words before her friends dragged her away, giggling. He was home for a few days from Mumbai, India’s commercial capital, where he had followed two older brothers to work at a clothing factory for US$150 (RM530) a month. His parents want to finalise wedding preparations. Kalawati should move in immediately after the wedding, they tell him.
“Deva is apprehensive. Can he work in Mumbai with his wife at home? What about his plans to go to the Persian Gulf or Malaysia, where the wages are rumoured to be better, once he turns 18? “Marriage at 18 or 19 would have been better for me,” he says. “I could have been more prepared.” His grandmother Nirmala, a frail woman wearing a sweatshirt under her patterned sari, shakes her head. “People point fingers if you are not married,” she says. “They say, ‘Your grandson must have some problems’.”
“A short distance away, Mathura Dhobi, 20, watches his rosy-cheeked, three-year-old son waddle around the dirt courtyard of his family’s home, a brick shed with plywood doors. His wife of eight years, Shivanandani, is inside boiling potatoes for lunch. The couple, their two children, Dhobi’s parents, and his three younger brothers are struggling to subsist on the erratic sales of the family’s small rice and onion crops. “We were very poor,” Dhobi’s father, Shivapujan, says of the decision to marry off his eldest son at 12. “The first proposal that came, we thought that if we refused it, there wouldn’t be another one.” The boy’s ailing grandparents added to the pressure, saying they wanted to see him married before they died.
“Dhobi had been a good student and a singer, a classmate recalls, but he dropped out of school around the time of the wedding. When his wife moved in, Dhobi’s mother scolded her endlessly for the way she cleaned dishes and how long it took her to collect the cow dung, a source of fuel. Dhobi did not speak up to defend his wife. He was still a boy living under his parents’ sagging roof. Unable to find steady work, he helped his father on the farm or found odd jobs hauling sand and dirt. Both he and his father now say he should have continued his studies. His three younger brothers are still in school, and the family says it has no plans to get them married. Shivapujan, who had been playing with his grandson, puts the boy down. “If I hadn’t been there, what would you have done?” he asks his son. Dhobi thinks for a moment. “I would not have got married,” he says. “Things would have been better for me.” They sit watching the toddler, neither man saying a word.
Combating Child Marriages in Nepal and the Impact of Working Abroad
Child marriage is illegal in Nepal. The country outlawed the practice in the 1960s with a punishment of up to three years in prison and a fine of 10,000 rupees ($95). The age of marriage is 20 years old for both men and women. But as marriage age statistics clearly attest laws are for the not enforced and ignored. Complaints are rarely investigated by police or prosecuted. Still the Nepalese government is trying to do something about the problem and has vowed to end it by 2030. “The government considers child marriage as an act of violence and is making efforts to end the scourge, which is deep rooted in the society," Sushila Paudel, an official from Nepal's women's ministry, told Reuters. [Source: Reuters, September 8, 2016]
Bhadra Sharma and Kai Schultz wrote in the New York Times: “Nepal’s government is moving forward with a campaign to eradicate the practice in the coming years. The challenges, though, are daunting, many activists say. In rural areas, activists say some local elected officials who publicly oppose the practice still have their children married as teenagers. Literacy rates are low. Social media and mobile phones have made it easier to find prospective partners. And many in Nepal see the practice as reasonable considering the tough economic constraints in their communities. “It is so hard to change people’s thinking,” said Ram Bahadur Chand, an official with Nepal’s child welfare board. “They do not see that child marriage destroys their futures. It is a kind of violence.” [Source: By Bhadra Sharma and Kai Schultz, New York Times, June 6, 2019
“Nepal has tried to make inroads. The government recently increased the minimum age for women to marry by two years, to 20, matching the age for men. In January, officials announced cash incentives and bicycles for families who kept their daughters in school. Activists have organized along Nepal’s border with India to intercept young brides at risk of being trafficked into prostitution. The country has vowed to eradicate child marriage by 2030, and in some districts much sooner.
“But the government’s efforts have met with limited success. Apart from poverty and lack of education, the problem, activists say, is partly linked to the nature of labor in Nepal, a rugged, mountainous nation powered by remittances from citizens working abroad. Every year, hundreds of thousands of men leave Nepal for grueling construction jobs in the Persian Gulf. For poorer families, marrying their daughters to boys before they head abroad is perceived as both financially advantageous and a necessity. When villages empty of men, “families need girls to take care of the elderly and handle household activities,” said Tarak Dhital, a social activist in Kathmandu.”
According to the Los Angeles Times: “Slowly, attitudes are changing. In the villages surveyed by CARE, families say they are delaying marriages by an average of two to three years compared with a generation ago. Children are starting to voice their preferences – although families don’t always listen.” [Source: Shashank Bengali, Los Angeles Times, February 6 2015]
Image Sources: Wikimedia Commons
Text Sources: New York Times, Washington Post, Los Angeles Times, Lonely Planet Guides, Library of Congress, Nepal Tourism Board (ntb.gov.np), Nepal Government National Portal (nepal.gov.np), The Guardian, National Geographic, Smithsonian magazine, The New Yorker, Time, Reuters, Associated Press, AFP, Wikipedia and various books, websites and other publications.
Last updated February 2022