SIKH MARRIAGE
offerings for marriage Among Sikhs, marriage has traditionally linked two family groups rather than two individuals. Marriage among Sikhs is a joint decision based on factors such as the couple's desires, caste, social status, and economic considerations. Compatibility with potential in-laws is also a concern due to the extended family structure. However, the most important factor is that a Sikh should marry another Sikh. Marriage is also viewed as a joining of two souls. In Sikh philosophy the goal is to be able to merge one’s soul (atma) with God (Parmatma), and in marriage, in the merging of the souls, the couple should assist each other to achieve that goal. [Sources: “Marriage Customs of the World From Henna to Honeymoons”: “ by George P. Monger, 2004; D. O. Lodrick, “Worldmark Encyclopedia of Cultures and Daily Life”, Cengage Learning, 2009]
Pashaura Singh wrote in the “International Encyclopedia of Marriage and Family”:“The third Guru, Amar Das, proclaimed: "They are not said to be husband and wife, who merely sit together. Rather, they alone are called husband and wife who have one soul in two bodies" (AG, p. 788). This proclamation has become the basis of the Sikh engagement and marriage process, which traditionally emphasizes a spiritual commitment between two partners over any material or physical advantages of the union. At every step, tradition surrounding Sikh marriages seeks to insure the spiritual compatibility of the couple to be married. |[Source: “Pashaura Singh, “International Encyclopedia of Marriage and Family”, The Gale Group Inc., 2003]
“To this end, Sikh marriages are arranged by the family of the prospective couples. Although the involvement of the couple themselves has increased over time, the involvement and input of the family has remained vital. This emphasis on family, reflected in every aspect of Sikh life, from the communal eating halls of the gurdwaras to the common practice of identifying oneself through one's parentage, is among the most important precepts of Sikhism. At every stage in the Sikh process of engagement and marriage, the opinion of each partner's family is respected, considered, and valued. |~|
Sikh Marriage Rules, Traditions and Restrictions
Child marriage has always been condemned by the Sikh community, and Sikhs generally adhere to the legal age for marriage in India, which is 18 for women and 21 for men. Although an engagement may occur, it is not necessary.
Marriages usually occur within one's zat (caste group) but outside of one's got (patrilineal line). It has traditionally been an arrangement between two families with the aim of producing male heirs. In recent decades, many urban Sikhs and those in the Diaspora in particular choose their own marriage partner without concern for family connections and children, though these alliances are still not overly common. Within villages, brides usually relocate to their husband's paternal village and become sisters-in-law to the entire village. Marriages between Sikhs and Hindus have traditionally been within castes. [Source: Louis E. Fenech, “Encyclopedia of World Cultures Volume 3: South Asia,” edited by Paul Hockings, 1992 |~|]
Sikhism strictly prohibits the taking or giving of a dowry. Unlike marriages in many Hindu or Islamic cultures, where dowries are often paid, Sikh tradition condemns dowry payments and teaches that the bride’s father should only offer his daughter in the wedding agreement. Divorce is generally looked down upon, though it does occur. According to one source Sikhism does not recognize divorce and has no restrictions against widow remarriage.
Dating and Arranged Marriages Among Sikhs
In Sikh households, the selection of a marriage partner has traditionally been arranged formally with parental approval. In recent decades, the idea of romantic love has gaining some traction among contemporary youth and urbanized Sikhs but economic, educational, and family considerations are still among the important factors in most decisions to marry. [Source: Pashaura Singh, “International Encyclopedia of Marriage and Family”, The Gale Group Inc., 2003]
Traditionally, bride and groom could meet before the wedding, but never alone, and dating was disapproved of in Sikh culture. In rural areas these customs may still endure but are less strong in urban areas. These days, like their peer groups from other religious faiths, young Sikhs are increasingly following the idea of romantic love when choosing their partners. Dating is not uncommon. If nothing else it serves as a test of compatibility.
Pashaura Singh wrote: The fundamental respect for the judgement of family is reflected in the ancient practice of not meeting one's partner between the time of engagement and the time of marriage. It is understood that, at the time of engagement, a spiritual commitment to one's fiancé(e) has been made. Respect for the family makes impossible any second-guessing of that commitment. Over many centuries, this practice expanded and became tradition, so that even when the family is unavailable or uninvolved, the custom of not meeting one's fiancé(e) before the marriage ceremony continues. In recent decades, however, many young Sikhs have chosen not to follow this established tradition, and the rigid procedure surrounding Sikh arranged marriages is on the decline. Nevertheless, for many devout Sikhs, the above practice continues to be an important reflection of their faith and tradition. To be forced to ignore or violate long-standing tradition by meeting one's fiancé(e) between the engagement and the ceremony could cloud the sanctity of the marriage process in the minds of those devout Sikhs involved. |~|
Changing Marriage Patterns Among Sikhs
Sikh marriage patterns are changing. First, the difference between the education of the groom and the bride is narrowing and there is a growth of individualism, decline in joint families and kinship ties and a decline in the number of children produced in a marriage. Such marriages have become possible due to higher education levels and economic success which has made married couples mre independent of the parents and kin.[Source: “Pashaura Singh, “International Encyclopedia of Marriage and Family”, The Gale Group Inc., 2003]
Second, there are fewer objection to intercaste marriages, particularly in urban areas. cities. Caste traditions are stronger in rural villages. Third, young men and women now marry later than they did in earlier times. Finally, obtaining the consent of the young man and the woman in matrimonial alliances, favoring widow remarriage, agreeing to divorce as a last resort, and getting married again after divorce, are the practices that indicate the impact of Western urban influences.
Among the diaspora, Sikh marriages are undergoing the most significant changes. Second-generation Sikhs have raised questions about the traditional form of marriage. Living in a diverse and multicultural environment, they are exposed to people of various faiths and cultures. in occasional marriages between Sikh and non-Sikh partners. These marriages present new challenges for both partners to make necessary adjustments in their lives.
Sikh Wedding
Sikh weddings unfold over several days. The groom’s family gives a thread with five knots to the parents of the bride. A knot is untied on each of the five days before the wedding so the wedding day is not forgotten in all the excitement of the parties and celebrations that go along with it. The custom dates to a time when there were no calendars.
The marriage ceremony has traditionally been held before sunrise. It takes place in the bride's village and can occur anywhere, as long as the Granth — the Sikh holy book — is present. The wedding ceremonies can be officiated by any Amritdhari Sikh — a man or woman who has been initiated into the Amrit tradition of Sikhism and who follows the Sikh code in daily life.. It is often presided over by a Granthi, a ceremonial reader of the Guru Granth Sahib, the holy book in Sikhism, or a pious man or woman who is respected in the community. [Source: “Marriage Customs of the World From Henna to Honeymoons”: “ by George P. Monger, 2004 ^]
The essential premarriage ceremony begins with the formal betrothal, the shagan, which may be held at either the groom’s family home or at the Sikh temple, gurdwara. At this ceremony the families exchange gifts and make the formal agreement to the marriage. In the nath ritual, the bride’s uncle fits a traditional nose ring to the bride. The groom’s costume must conform to five elements of Sikh traditional dress — the Five Ks — with it including the kangha (comb), kesh (uncut hair), kaccha (shorts), kara (bracelet), and kirpan (saber). The bride and groom may exchange rings. ^
Events In the Days Before the Sikh Wedding
The wedding is often held at the bride’s house. On the day before the wedding friends of the bride stay at the bride’s house and paint hand prints on the walls to bring good luck. The bride’s relatives draw a circle and place a piece of wood from a fruit tree in the middle so that the marriage will be fruitful. Leaves are packed above the door of the house to signal a wedding is going to take place. Hymns are sung and oil and herbal powder are placed in the bride’s hair to make her beautiful. Sweet pancakes are served to the guests. Women dance to folk songs. Hennas designs are made on the bride’s hands and feet.
George P. Monger wrote in “Marriage Customs of the World From Henna to Honeymoons”: “ The ceremonies begin three days before the wedding day with the akhand paath, a threeday reading of the Sri Guru Granth Sahib (the holy book). During this period, the bride and groom undergo the myah ritual — they are cleansed every morning and evening by their respective families by having their hands, feet, and faces massaged with flour, tamarind powder, and oil to purify them in preparation for their new lives. [Source: “Marriage Customs of the World From Henna to Honeymoons”: “ by George P. Monger, 2004 ^]
The night before the wedding both the bride and groom have their hands and feet decorated with mehndi, a paste of henna, lemon juice, oil, and water in which tea leaves had been steeped. The paste is said to indicate the strength of the love between the couple — the darker the mehndi, the stronger the bond of love. After the bride has had the mehndi applied to her hands and feet, she is adorned with twenty-one red and cream ivory bracelets at the chooda ceremony; ornaments, called kalira, are attached to the bracelets by her maternal aunt and uncle. These ornaments make it impossible for her to carry out any housework. The woman wears these bracelets throughout the wedding ceremony and for forty days after. This allows her time to settle into her new household after the marriage.
Wedding Day of a Sikh Wedding
The Sikh wedding ceremony is called the “Aanand Karaj”. It often held before dawn and is presided over by a pious man or woman who is respected in the community. The bride usually wears a red garment decorated with gold designs. She wear wedding jewelry and has a decorative shawl pulled over her face. The groom carries a long ceremonial sword, wears a bejeweled dark red turban and covers his face with a mask called a “klagri”. Both share a long scarf when they take their wedding vows.
On the wedding day, relatives and guests go the bride’s’s house and bring gifts of coconuts, sugar and money . The festivities begin in earnest when the groom arrives on a white horse along with procession made up of friends and relatives accompanied by musicians. They are greeted by the men of the bride’s family. As they enter the house the groom is teased by the bride’s sisters and friends.
Hymns are sung at the gurdwara (temple) before the wedding parties arrive, and, as the groom and both families arrive, hymns specifically for them are sung. When both the wedding parties have arrived (but not the bride), the families exchange gifts. In doing so, they are accepting each other as being joined by the marriage. This ceremony, called the milnee (or milni), is accompanied by hymns from the holy book. [Source: “Marriage Customs of the World From Henna to Honeymoons”: “ by George P. Monger, 2004]
After the marriage ceremony music is played and friends make speeches about the bride and groom. All sign a register. Their first act of a married couple is to feed each other fruit. A song of bliss is sung, and 'blessed food' (gurupahad) is distributed to the congregation. Food made from flour and sugar are eaten. Sometimes the men attend a banquet hosted by the bride’s family, often with music and dancing. When the bride’s’ father returns he says a final goodby to his daughter. The bride leaves with the groom and his family for the groom's home where the bride begins her new life.
Beginning of the Anand Karaj (Sikh Wedding Ceremony)
The first part of the Anand Karaj (“Ceremony of Bliss”) involves with the father of the bride handing one end of a scarf, which is a little bit over two meters in length, to the groom and the other end to his daughter. The couple is bonded together through the auspiciously colored scarf, which is usually pink, saffron, or red. There are no direct exchanges of words or gestures between the bride and groom, nor are any legal formalities performed between their families. The bride and groom give their consent to the union by bowing towards the Granth Sahib — the Sikh Holy Book. [Source: Louis E. Fenech, “Encyclopedia of World Cultures Volume 3: South Asia,” edited by Paul Hockings, 1992 |~|]
George P. Monger wrote in “Marriage Customs of the World From Henna to Honeymoons”: “ The Anand Karaj begins with the kirtan, which involves the musicians, the ragis, singing hymns. Then either both the bride and groom, who have been sitting with the congregation, are invited to sit before the Gru Ganth Sahib, the holy book, or the groom first sits in front of the book and the bride is led up to him, escorted by her mother and best friend. In either case, the bride finishes by sitting at her groom’s left before the holy book. The officiant usually then presents a homily to explain the Sikh view of marriage, the spiritual importance of the union, and the obligations as husband and wife. The couple and their parents now stand for prayers asking for God’s blessing on the marriage before the most significant event of the ceremony begins — the palaa ceremony. A pink- or saffron-colored shawl is folded lengthwise, and one end is placed over the groom’s shoulder and into his hands. The other end is given to the bride as the ragis sing a prayer called the shabad palai. The shawl represents a physical bond that is symbolic of the spiritual link between the couple. [Source: “Marriage Customs of the World From Henna to Honeymoons”: “ by George P. Monger, 2004]
During the ceremony hymns are sung that offer couple advise on married life and readings from the Granth.. The couple and everyone present sits in front of a copy of the Granth Sahib. The respected person presiding over the ceremony tells the couple and the parents to stand up and invokes a blessing to God and tells them the obligation of married life: 1) being faithful to one another; 2) being good to one in hard times; 3) celebrating each others joys; and 4) being respectful to each other’ families. Passages of the “Granath” are read while singers repeat the words. The couple’s say their vows and accept the duties of marriage.
Circumambulations During a the Sikh Wedding Ceremony
Midway through the wedding ceremony, garlands are placed around necks of the bride and groom by the bride’s father. When he places one end of a scarf in the hands of the groom, who in turn gives the other end to the bride, the bride doesn't look at the groom . Holding the scarf, the couple walks clockwise around “Granth” four times, afterwards they are declared man and wife. More hymns are sung. During the final lap around the holy book flower pedals are tossed by guests on the couple. Sometimes the bride's father ties the end of his daughter's scarf to one worn by the groom.
The four circumambulations performed by the couple correspond to the four lavan (circle) passages read by the official reader of the Guru Granth. After each circling of the book, the bride and groom touch their foreheads to the ground and rejoin the congregation by seating themselves on the floor in front. Bowing together to the Guru Granth signifies their acceptance of each other. They are solely - and equally - bound to the sacred word rather than to any legal or social authority.
“Laavan” means “breakaway”. These prayers signifies the bride's departure from her family during the wedding ceremony. The first prayer is spoken and then sung by the ragis as the couple walks clockwise around the Gru Ganth Sahib, with the palaa and the groom leading the bride. The circuit is completed as the ragis finish singing the prayer. The couple then bows to the holy book and sits, waiting for the next prayer. The sequence is repeated for each circuit of the holy book. [Source: “Marriage Customs of the World From Henna to Honeymoons”: “ by George P. Monger, 2004]
The four vows said during the four clockwise movements around the scripture are: 1) lead an action-oriented life based upon righteousness and never to shun the obligations of family and society; 2) maintain a bond of reverence and dignity between them; 3) keep enthusiasm for life alive in the face of adverse circumstances and to remain removed from worldly attachments; and 4) cultivate a "balanced approach" (sahaj) in life, avoiding all extremes. The pattern of circumambulation in the ceremony is viewed as an enactment of the primordial movement of life, in which there is no beginning and no end. Remembering the four marital vows is designed to make the life of the couple blissful. [Source: Pashaura Singh, “Worldmark Encyclopedia of Religious Practices”, Thomson Gale, 2006]
The ceremony ends with Guru Amar Das's hymn Anand, which shares the name of the wedding ceremony. This popular scriptural hymn, written by the third guru, is recited at the end of all Sikh congregational services and joyful ceremonies. Anand is especially fitting for the wedding ceremony because it emphasizes the joy that comes from the union of the individual with the divine. |~|
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Text Sources: New York Times, Washington Post, Los Angeles Times, Times of London, Lonely Planet Guides, Library of Congress, Ministry of Tourism, Government of India, Compton’s Encyclopedia, The Guardian, National Geographic, Smithsonian magazine, The New Yorker, Time, Newsweek, Reuters, AP, AFP, Wall Street Journal, The Atlantic Monthly, The Economist, Foreign Policy, Wikipedia, BBC, CNN, and various books, websites and other publications.
Last updated December 2023